Adventure #102: Lexington, Kentucky

He was an older man, impeccably and fashionably dressed (except for the sandals) with two bags and a sign that just said "OHIO." My trip to Kentucky had been, at best, a waste of time. I was headed back to Ohio anyway. The least I could do was take him with me. "Anywhere in Ohio?" I asked. "Anywhere." "Is Cincinnati OK?" "That's perfect." He got in the car.

Here are the things I can be reasonably sure are true that Star told me:

1. He had hitchhiked from California to Lexington, Kentucky in about 5 days.
2. He was a disabled Vietnam vet with a gnarly foot injury.
3. He was well-read about history and knew a lot of obscure facts about the Founding Fathers.
4. He once had a dog named Awesomest, but doesn't anymore.
5. He's sixty years old.
6. He's part British and park Cherokee and maybe descended from a Mayflower passenger.
7. Obama doesn't know who he is.

Here are the things that Star told me that are probably not true:

1. He's never consummated his marriage to his wife of 4 years, and she told him that if he hitchhiked to Ohio, she would fly out to meet him, and they would be married at her parent's house in Dayton in front of a Rabbi.
2. His wife is a model who actually owns QVC and is one of the richest people in the world.
3. His wife is going to let him on QVC to spread his message of peace and love.
4. His wife bought him a 75 foot yacht that is currently anchored off both Martha's Vineyard and the San Francisco Bay.
5. He once gave away $15,000 in $100 bills at a Walmart in California around Christmas.
6. His wife is descended directly from Mary Magdalene and is a shipping magnate because Jesus told her ancestor to go into import / export before he was crucified.
7. His wife has a long-term girlfriend named Tracy, but he doesn't care because he loves her.
8. His wife is buying him a new dog which he will name “Awesomest Two,” but call just “Two.”
9. He and his wife will buy all the world's debt in order to force all the world governments to declare world peace, at which point Obama will finally have to publicly recognize him.
10. You shouldn't call someone a “Jew,” they prefer to be called “Hebrews.”

I want his whole story to be true (except the Jew bit. I bristled every time he insisted on calling us Hebrews...). I want to believe that after I dropped Star off at a truck stop north of Cincinnati, he called up his wife, who was waiting patiently at the airport. She took a cab like she promised and met him. And they lived happily ever, after enforcing world peace by controlling all world debt. But mostly I just hope he finds someone to take him back to California.

This is Pen Pen and a random castle in the middle of Lexington, Kentucky because why not?

This is a song I wrote one time. You should download it and share it with your friends.

Adventure #73: Cave City, KY and Indianapolis, IN

9 years ago I spent one of the more memorable summers of my life working at the Berkshire Theatre Festival as the resident sound assistant. I learned a lot through trial-by-fire. Some of it great some of it very very bad. One of the very bad ones was a musical called Floyd Collins about a caver from Kentucky who went looking for a new cave for a tourist attraction, got stuck there, and died. It's 3 hours long and has exactly one memorable melody (in fairness the one bit where he sings with his echo is actually pretty cool). It's maybe the worst play in existence? No. There are worse. But it's definitely the worst play to be regularly produced by regional theatres who really ought to know better. I was headed up through Kentucky and saw a sign for Mammoth Cave. I remembered there being something about Floyd Collins and Mammoth Cave and decided to head off on an adventure in a fit of masochistic nostalgia. This is Pen Pen just glad he isn't being asked to redesign the work of person he's technically assisting at the 11^th hour.

So I headed off the road. The GPS said nothing about Floyd Collins, but I knew he was here. Somewhere. I found Mammoth Cave. But they only had guided tours and A. they cost money and B. I did have to make it up to Indianapolis at some point. So that wasn't happening. Dejected I headed back to the highway. Then I saw the sign. (It opened up my eyes, and I am happy now living without you) A wood pathway off the side of a side road led to an unassuming cave opening. A sign implored you not to leave the pathway. Definitely don't jump the fence. Definitely don't go in the cave. Obviously that wasn't how this was going down. Fortunately I didn't get stuck in the cave for 3 weeks, have a media circus erupt around me, only to die in the cave a few days before being found. But at least 60 years later the grandson of someone actually talented might write a mediocre musical about me? This is Pen Pen singing “Do yo do dee yo” to his echo for 3 hours before stopping anticlimactically.

It's always good to see some friends in Indianapolis. Especially the badass Lents twins. There was cheap booze on a porch. There was a quest for a pineapple. Some 15 punk bands were started. 14 of them broke up by morning. There are worse ways to spend a night. This is Pen Pen polishing off a 12 rack of Old Milwaukee non-alcoholic beer because he's a penguin just like you but he's got better things to do...

This is a song I wrote one time. You should download it and share with your friends.